Hot Warty Love Kills

Global News Alert: Scarborough, UK

The carp were swimming about in the chilly waters of a fishing lake when the weather grew warmer. So they headed for the warmer water in the shallow part of the lake. (Cue scary music). They had no idea of the terror awaiting them. No knowledge of the greenish, brownish, extremely near-sighted or not-at-all-picky, wart covered, excessively horny toads that lurked in the plant life near the shallows. Spring had sprung, and the toads were feeling “amorous”. So they began aggressively courting the poor, innocent carp, refusing to acknowledge that “No” means “No”.

Mr. Heelis, the manager of the lake, described the suffering of the lake fish. He said: “… We have several thousand fish here and maybe a third of them had the toads attached to them. This is unnatural.” Yes. Yes, it is.

Scores of the stressed carp are now dead, victims of “gang-amorousing” by the toads. Apparently they have a plan of attack. One toad will jump onto a carp’s head, clamping tightly and pushing its eyes into its sockets. The other toads will then leap aboard and, in their disgusting, slimy frenzy, cover the fish’s gills and cause it to drown. Suffocated by toads! What a hideous way to go! This is the stuff of nightmares. Apparently the fishermen think so, as well, as they are not braving the shallow side. And who can blame them?

Lake fish killed by “amorous” toads